What To Do When Sex is Making Your Partner Leave You.
“ANALYZE THIS”. – The Movie
Starring: Robert De Niro as ‘Paul Vitti, Mob Boss.'
Billy Crystal as Dr Ben Sobel, Psychiatrist.’
Lisa Kudrow as Laura Sobel
Warner Bros/Roadshow Entertainment. (Australia& New Zealand)
Released: 1999 Director: Harold Ramis.
Robert De Niro (Vitti) responds to Billy Crystal (Dr Sobel)
When asked why he looks elsewhere for working girls when he has a beautiful wife and kids, He replies,
“With THAT mouth that she kisses the children goodnight with?”
Dr S: “What happened with your wife last night?
Vitti: I was not with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Dr S: Are you having marriage problems?
Dr S: Then why do you have a girlfriend?
Vitti: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Dr S: No, I am not, I am just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
Dr S: Why can't you do them with your wife?
Vitti: Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?”
So he looked for sex outside the marriage.In Vitti’s mind, not because his wife was not good enough but because he respected her too much as the mother of his children to have the kind of (dirty) sex he needed.
Meanwhile, statistics indicate that Women cheating on their partners is a growing and increasing concern. Complaints such as lack of intimacy, and feelings of under-appreciation. The need to feel validated about self-image (to feel attractive), unsatisfactory or just plain woeful sex and, or lack of REAL attention, such as wanting to feel desired and lack of passion.
These problems are repairable. If enough love and care between two people still exist, no matter as to whether you have been together for four years or 40!
Some methods are available to try providing there exists communication and trust.
Some couples are beyond repair, and here it may be best to go your separate ways to find the kind of partner that you feel you deserve in life. However, it is recommended that trying out, and investing 100% into finding answers be the first port of call before giving it all away.
(We highly recommend seeking Relationship Counselling to either help with the communication issues between partners while working to repair a fragile relationship, OR importantly, if separation is the chosen path, to help create a civilized clean break.).
TODAY IN A NUTSHELL
Today we are discussing Part One of how to Break the Ice when sex has been missing from the relationship for an extended period.
Next time we will discuss in detail, more about learning the many wonders of heightened sexual technique, along with improving communication skills when it comes to dealing with intimacy.
A Sampled setting.
A well-known fact is that although a woman may feel particularly highly sexed during pregnancy (and many women retain their sexual urges post delivery) after the child is born, much of her attention turns to the survival of the infant which a healthy instinct in Nature.
Here is where the man has his first experiences feelings of rejection. Together with the disruption in his life- lack of sleep, screaming baby, dirty nappies and feedings, loses the initial desire and passion and starts to look elsewhere. Marital life has seriously changed and in the pecking order, a man no longer ‘reins supreme’ for his partner’s affections!
This is the perfect scenario for the ambitious female to make approaches to ‘our man’ at work. For example, to be ‘suggestive’ of her interest in ‘our man’, for whom she may work alongside. Before long, a man finds himself involved in an extramarital relationship.
Alternatively, ‘our man’, lacking sexual satisfaction AND the relative ease in which, when no child made a couple, he now has to work much harder to gain the attention of his partner, who’s instinctive primary focus is with this new, small person, and making a family unit.
Thus, infidelity/adultery is ignited.
This makes the man a victim of his circumstances. Without the correct tools, (and willingness) may repeat these actions throughout the course of married life, that finally leads to divorce without any real solutions attempted.
Damn it! Childbirth is a lot harder than the movies, magazines and your girlfriends ever mentioned. The changes to the body afterwards, possibly also contribute to the lack of self-esteem. Women feel overworked, sore, ‘unattractive’, sleep deprived, and hormone depleted.
Women may emotionally feel ‘ not wanted’, and isolated in the marriage. When a man does not participate in as many aspects of child-rearing, these days or the miscommunication of his partner’s level of expectation in the help department of co-parenting. Of course, breastfeeding is not possible for the father, however, expressed breast milk, the father can feed his child with a bottle!
One misconception to save the marriage: more children are conceived, in a futile attempt to cement permanency or a bond, that will keep a man close.
It is not inconceivable that a woman herself may eventually ‘wander off’, seeking another male until she finds a partner who appreciates, empathises, understands and desires her. Alternatively, put bluntly, a man who provides sexual gratification.
This is what may continue to haunt the marriage, for the next 40 years. It is the worst solution and has not repaired the feelings or the reasons, or prepared the way for hard times ahead.
SEX AND THE MEN
Seeking an external sexual experience to see you through hard times is OK providing there are resilient trust and communication with your existing partner.
Since very few women are into extra marital sex, you do have other alternatives.
1. Remember the initial desire and passion you felt for your female partner or wife when you first met.?
2. If you believe that you can have a good chat with her about this, you will need to qualify first. This means that starting today you will need to become a larger participant in the day- to- day home life. Help with children, homelife,finances and planning in general.
3. Now that she feels that your intentions are far nobler, she may be agreeable to a DATE with you. (These days when you have a baby, many hospitals encourage Mum and Dad to have a night out together, whilst the hospital care for the newborn. This is meant for you, as a couple, to consolidate your feelings for each other, and enjoy some ’alone time’, before the difficulties of having a newborn baby in the house, starts to create a wedge between you).
So, take the advantage of having a dinner date together!
Have that kind of Romantic dinner you may have had when you first started going out together. Reminisce about how good that was then, how wonderful it is to have a night out alone, and ask her PERMISSION to develop that experience now because they were great times.
Compliment her on how much you appreciate her contribution to the relationship so far. Then follow up by (and yes, this maybe the most difficult), finding those, ‘just right’ words, that will make her feel still desirable. (Nothing too overtly sexual at this stage, just things like.
“You have never lost that power over me.”
“I have always desired you no matter what.”
“When you smile like that, it reminds me of how giving you are.”
Don’t drink too much! This may interfere with your sexual drive, or you may say things you genuinely do not mean.
Then as you travel home, tell her how you just want to hold her close tonight.
A kiss and a cuddle are pleasant but don’t push it too far in one go. She will either accept you and; she should decide how far she wants things to go, or else it may take a few of these endeavours until she feels ready to take things further.
So, hubby is used to coming home, and finding you exhausted at the end of the day. Resentful, because he could not possibly have had, a rough day like yours. Wordlessly, You just want to be left alone, and dream of having just one night’s good sleep.
1. Make the Candlelit dinner, with wine thing and all that, but only on a day when you feel up to it.
2. Attempt to gauge hubby’s response to your efforts, (candles, wine, etc.).
3. If he is indifferent, busy, and complains he is too tired or rushes through the event, you will need to change tactics!
4. You may need to go straight to the sex without preliminaries. Because this is what men understand, crystal clear!
5. Mornings are often a time when men wake up with an erection.
6. If this is so, pick a weekend knowing he will not have any real reason to get up quickly. Make sure you are naked, not for the look of it, but so that your man experiences the touch of bare skin under the blanket, and spooning him before he wakes up.
7. Gently take his penis in your hand, and start to stimulate him with this hand only. No words, no hugs, just one hand.
If there exists a prior history of a lack of morning erections (and no medical reason), erection still proceeds with this activity as it is still a giving act on your part and a reflex* erection.
8. The fantasy, with your man’s back to you, is that anyone could be holding his penis right then. For example, the girl in his dreams, The Queen, who knows?
9. Since it is, the morning (please be aware) that he may want to go to the bathroom and empty his bladder.
10. Before letting him out of bed, change position and silently move your mouth down towards his penis. This is a promise that there may be more to come if he comes back.
If, or when she may seem willing to participate in more than just hugs, you still need to travel with care, because it has obviously been a long time.
1. Stay in the Lounge room at home.
2. Turn the lights down low,(So that you do not feel self-conscious about your bodies in bright light).
3. Turn on some music.
4.If she dances, do that.
5.If dancing does not appeal to your partner, then reminisce songs you both love and sit-dance. This is just like dancing but in a sitting position
6.When she feels comfortable, let your hands move progressively and suggestively over your partner's body.
7.Small kisses on the neck and gentle touching of the breasts. If she has had some surgery to the breast(s), then caress her face, massage her neck and back.
8.If you are doing this, then press your body against hers from behind If possible. She then can fantasise such as “I am a movie star or Cinderella and with My Prince Charming” ( who knows?).
9.Turn your Cinderella around and kiss her.
Whisper in her ear that you want to give her real sexual pleasure. That it has been a long time, and that you are willing to try anything, she just has to tell you what and how.
This then is the moment of truth, and you will know whether you will receive the green light or not.
(*Reflex erection: an erection that occurs where direct physical contact is made to the penis or upper erotic areas, for instance, the ears, nipples or neck. This form of erection is involuntary, and may occur without sexual or stimulating thoughts.)
To Be Continued.
Share your experiences with us. (You never know It might help others!)